What it really was….

The running part turned out to not be the most highlighted part of the program.  How fortunate for all of the girls in GOTR (the coaches, too!) to each week have a lesson on life skills.  Whether it be on expressing emotions in a healthy way, speaking your truth, team work, etc. the GOTR program provided an exceptional learning environment for these girls to acquire the tools for coping with life when life may not seem so easy and smooth.  As a coach, what great reminders these lessons provided for me in my dealings with children, teens and adults.  If every girl (and boy, too!), no matter what age, had the opportunity to be involved in the GOTR curriculum, what a better place out community, our country, our world would be!

It was an honor to have the time to make a difference in the lives of these girls and in return have them make a difference in my life.  A few kind words spoken here and there or in passing on the track could change one’s whole perspective on a situation in one’s life.  At the end of the session I could see positive shifts in the girls and in their support of one another.  On the day of the final 5K, I was brought to tears of joy and gratitude several times in witnessing the excitement of the girls as they picked up their packets, prepared for the run and completed it.  The family support and photo opps at the end of the run were precious.  Through sleet and rain and hail and snow, all the girls passed the finish line beaming.  There is no question that GOTR made a difference in their lives as well as mine.  They were committed and in turn I was committed as well.

I felt there was a lot of unconditional love and support in our GOTR group and a collective feeling of all being one with each other.  What a gift to share with the girls and in my daily life as well.  It was so much more than running!  Each session I would approach being as open as I could be and trusting the whole process of a GOTR session.  That, too was a gift to take back into my life….trusting the process and allowing for the gifts to come to the surface in any way they want to appear.   For me GOTR was an opportunity to show up with an open mind and trust the process and always, always leave with more love and laughter in my heart.  No matter what the age is, we all have so much to learn from one another!  Thank you.

All my life I have struggled with my weight and still do, so this is a huge stretch for me to put on the clothes, the shoes and get out there with the girls. Just writing you and admitting it, putting it “out there” touches such a nerve (probably part of never quite feeling like I measured up—always needing to lose weight—still—again!!!) The Girl Box closes in around so tightly that somehow it was suffocating and I wondered if I had done the right thing. The power of the Girl Box to consume us at any age must be squelched!

Thank you for giving me a little hope and for the wonderful support of Mary, the other much younger coaches and the darling little girls who screamed with joy “Mrs. Oliver, you’re going to be a coach!!!” They were excited. And one girl, who HATES to run, but loves the girls that run, said…”I’ll walk with you if you can’t run any more Mrs. Oliver, it’s OK if you can’t do it.” It felt good to be accepted and loved—-talk about encouragement!”

SoleMates is the charity running “leg” of Girls on the Run International (GOTRI) and uses the power of running to make a difference for our girls. Teams of athletes pursue individual goals, such as running a marathon, half marathon, completing a triathlon or even running your first 5k or 10k, to raise money for our local Wood River Valley council.

For more information about SoleMates, visit our website.

Nearly 50 3rd - 5th grade Girls on the Run program participants competed their final 5k event this past Saturday, May 22.  In the sleet and snow, the girls and their family members, along side over 200 community race participants competed in this fun 5k event.  “It was an amazing day considering the conditions,” says Girls on the Run Executive Director Mary Fauth.  “Coaches were brought to tears to see what their girls accomplished after a season full of training and bonding times over life lesson topics.”

Audrey Ashkin is a Girls on the Run coach. I had the opportunity to meet her recently at a site visit, right here in my hometown of Charlotte.  Audrey shared with me, what I consider, a fabulous example of why working with girls is just so darn real.  So here goes:

Audrey was running next to Katie.  Katie is in 3rd grade and is definitely one of the fastest girls in their Girls on the Run group.  Audrey, not being as fast-paced as 9 year old Katie, thought to herself, “The only way I am going to keep up with this girl is to get her talking while running at the same time This might actually slow her down a tad.”  And so Audrey, being oh so wise and admittedly mildly manipulative asked Katie, “How do you run so fast?” Of course, Audrey was hoping for a long and dramatic soliloquy on the benefits of running, diet and a lengthy list of the extraordinary character traits required to be so self-disciplined.  What she got instead was, undoubtedly one of the most brilliant and articulate responses possible.

“I just put one foot in front of the other and go.”

Ahhh…the simplicity of kidspeak.  Somewhere around middle school, we begin to take on the stories of the grown-up world and feel this need to complicate things.  I know for me, just enjoying running for the sake of running wasn’t enough.  I had to start doing, performing, justifying my actions in order to explain myself.  I had to compete, win, bring home a trophy, and create stories to prove who I was and why I did what I did.  I couldn’t just be fast. Soon, this need to achieve, win and prove myself became evident in everything I did.  Instead of being content and at peace with myself, I had to DO things to feel worthy and at peace with myself.  I had to justify my existence by performing my way through life rather than being my way in it.

Recently on my flight home from St. Louis (after an extraordinary and uplifting two days with Jill Indovino, her fabulous staff, coaches and girls) I was seated across the aisle from Amanda.  Amanda is about 10 months old.  For some reason, Amanda enjoyed staring at me.  What started off as a simple game of peek-a-boo turned into a full-frontal staring match.  For at least ten minutes, the two of us just looked at one another.  People around began to notice, but that didn’t distract either one of us from our mission.  We were intrigued with the newness of each other.  Amanda was (remember my last Word Up) is-ing and joyfully invited me into the “joy of being” with her for the ten minutes we spent staring at one another.
There is a great story about the Buddha.  The Buddha was said to give a silent sermon during which he held up a flower and gazed at it.  After a while, a monk who was present began to smile.  He is said to be the only one who understood the sermon.

Don’t get it?  Read on.

You see a child sitting alone in a sandbox at the park.  She is crying.  Her mother, who is quite young, is laughing and sitting in the lap of a young man on the park bench nearby.  What stories do you create in your head about this situation?
How ‘bout this one?  A 20-something girl is crying.  Tears are flowing down her cheeks.  A boy, close in age, is gesturing with his hands.  He is pacing back and forth as he talks.  What stories do you create in your head about THIS situation?
Let’s try one more.  You wake up one morning and for no apparent reason, feel sad, down-in-the-dumps…some would say mildly depressed.  What stories do you make up in your head to justify these feelings of sorrow?

What I love about working with girls in our program is their innocent way of just seeing things for what they are. “I feel sad.  No need to know why.  I just am.”  They experience the sadness by noticing it, leaning into it and just being it.  They feel no need to explain why, they just are. They see the facts and the real of a situation but don’t feel any need to justify or create stories to explain what they see.  They just see it.

As the monk so eloquently saw the flower, beautifully and simply, so goes the view of an 8 year old. I put one foot in front of the other and go.

Lately, I’ve been excited each day to pause, breathe and observe the thoughts, internal-talk and stories I make up to explain a situation. I’m spending more time staring at the familiar, long enough until the story of it slips away. I am then able to see it through infant eyes, as Amanda saw me.  She didn’t see Molly Barker, the founder of Girls on the Run, mother of Hank and Helen, 50 year old woman, or plane-mate.  No, she saw me…being.  Plain, simple and present.

What stories have you told to explain, rationalize or justify something you saw, felt, did or heard?  What happens when you take away the story and just see something/someone for what it/she/he is…I’d love to know at molly@girlsontherun.org.

• Inflatable kids activities
• Kids songs and music
• Bean bag toss and food games
• Tie-dye station
• Gardening
• Massage sampling by La Reverie Spa
• Yoga
• Pets to adopt
• Bake sale
• Healthy living information offered by community organizations such as St. Lukes, YAK, St. Lukes Elks Rehab, Animal Shelter, HUB, Blaine County Recreation, The Advocates, 4-H, Sawtooth Botanical Gardens, Music n’ Me, and more!

And all youth 12 and under that participate in the race will be entered to win a kids bike like this cruiser donated by Sturtevants!

Register early and get a discount!  You can register online at www.girlsontherunwrv.org, or Friday May 15 at Atkinson’s in Hailey from 5-7 pm.  Registration fees are $20 adults, $10 youth (18 & under), and $40 family (of 4).  Registration is available race morning from 8-9 am at Heagle park.  Fees will increase race day to $25 adult, $15 youth, $50 family.

Early registration rates are available online now. Register here!

Do I dare do it?  The topic is kind of scary.  Actually it can sometimes be taboo.  But I’m going to go for it because…well…because I have to for me, you and the girls in Girls on the Run.

Obesity.

Yep that’s right.  And while we’re at it, let’s admit it.  Obesity is the politically correct way to say fat.  At Girls on the Run I’ve avoided the conversation because just the mere mention of the word “fat” can wreak havoc on a woman’s sense of worth.

Fat.  There I said it.  And it didn’t feel very good, either.

Merely a descriptive word, an adjective, fat is perhaps one of the most dreaded words in the English language.   (As a matter of fact, in a survey recently conducted by the Girl Scouts of America, the numero uno fear of girls wasn’t nuclear war, their parents getting divorced or even bullying.  Nope!  It was getting fat.)

Even the mere mention of the word “fat” has become taboo.

“Shhh.  Don’t call her fat.  She isn’t fat she’s “Chunky.”  “Big-boned.”  “Strong.”  “A Big Girl.”   We are terrified of the word because of the shaming stories our culture tells about it and the people who are.

I’ve been traveling a lot lately.  I’ve met many, many beautiful young girls.  Inevitably we get around to discussing the importance of being “comfortable in our skin.”

“What do you think it means, to be comfortable in your skin?” I always ask.

The wisdom of 8 years olds always amazes me:

“To feel good about who you are.”

“Loving yourself.”

“It’s good to like yourself just the way you are.”

“To feel safe with your thoughts.”

So, to honor all those fabulous girls…yes all 62,000 of them that last year Girls on the Run had the privilege to share time with, I’d like to introduce an approach to the “obesity epidemic” that those fabulous girls…yes all 62,000 of them…have introduced to me.
I call it the “Just IS It” approach.  (Trust me…just say it out loud and that alone will bring a smile to your face.)

Do this sometime.  Watch an 8 year old girl.  She floats.  She runs. She twirls.  She naturally moves through space with a flav-ahhhh (yes say it like that, for added impact) that is wonderfully and fabulously all her own.

Children this age are still very much surprised by their bodies and the amazing things they can do.  They love to dance, jump and skip, totally uninhibited.  They are surprised when they successfully pull off a double turn and successfully land on both feet.  “See?  Did you see what I just did?”  They move through space with a sparkle in their eye–a curiosity to see, feel and experience the space around them.

They are perfectly content with themselves and the minute they are in.  Eight year olds are just so darn good at “is-ing.”

I consider the challenges I’ve faced over the years seeking that kind of peace with myself.  Somewhere around sixth grade I forgot how to “is”—to be content just being who I am.

The Girl Box didn’t help.  Over the years our Girl Box culture reinforced the made-up notion that peace comes from somewhere outside oneself.

“Buy this, try this, use this and then you will feel good.”
Well, go figure.  I don’t know a single 8 year old girl who spends much time thinking about the kind of car she drives, the fullness of her lips or the size of her bank account or breasts.  These have all just been distractions, a crazy kind of obsession with the external…distractions that have kept me from what really matters, like loving, feeling the sun on my face and dancing in the living room with my fourteen year old son, Hank.

One little girl put it so succinctly several years ago. Think of your body as some kind of fabulous little sports car…or if you prefer a hybrid, a stretch limo or in my case, a small fuel-efficient, powerful get-around-kind-of-economy-car.

Riding around inside that skin (car) YOU are in, is the BIG YOU…the unique you that is  big, bold and beautiful.! Nourishing, fueling and taking care of the vehicle (body) that houses that fabulous YOU allows your body to stick around long enough so that the YOU riding around in there actually has time enough to dance, enjoy life, love, evolve and as our children do so well…“is”!

Get it?  We are not concerned with physical fitness because we want to look a certain way.

We do it to nourish, fuel and love our bodies so that the BIG YOU on the inside, has the ability to thrive, flourish and find its way out into the world before the body can no longer sustain itself.

Healthy weight management is a very complex issue in a culture that focuses on the external.

The physical way we, particularly women, show up in the world is often a determinant of our “success” in the world.  But I’m convinced that Girls on the Run is onto something.  The more opportunities we provide for girls and women (heck ALL people) to focus on, celebrate and honor the BIG YOU resting within…right there on the inside…the better care we naturally end up giving to the outside.  The more time we spend using words which celebrate and create safe spaces to honor WHO WE REALLY ARE, the less time we spend shaming, judging or damaging the bodies that house them.  The shift in focus to the beauty within really does create a beautiful “without.”

So today…consider the following question.  How will you nourish, fuel and care for the skin you’re in, so your big, bold and bodacious YOU can get out into the world?  How will you implement the “Just Is It” body plan?!!!

Let me know at molly@girlsontherun.org.

I had the opportunity to spend some time with Bill the last several days at the Ashoka Future Forum.  (www.ashoka.org.)  Bill is the Founder of Ashoka.

On Tuesday afternoon, I was privileged to sit down with Bill, several other Ashoka Fellows and staff and some fabulous folks from the Knight Foundation.

The topic was empathy.

Bill Drayton founded Ashoka 30 years ago.  Ashoka supports the work of social entrepreneurs from across the globe.  Bill believes, as do I, that a big idea in the hands of a social entrepreneur can literally transform the world.  Currently Ashoka has supported, inspired and connected approximately 2000 fellows.  I am fortunate enough to be one of those.

Thirty years of carefully examining the connections that bind us, one to the other, has led Bill to see how empathy is the one significant thread that weaves its way through the tapestry of all of the fellows’ works.  Every Ashoka fellow is gifted with the ability to view multiple perspectives…to see through the lens of another…to walk in someone else shoes and in my words…love deeply, authentically and wholly.

I was moved several times in the middle of that meeting, but at one point I could no longer contain my tears.  I was as present as I’ve ever been.

I realize that my entire life has been focused on elevating the power of the feminine. (The feminine can be honored and held by both women AND men).  Yesterday I participated in a dialogue where four very influential men understood that power.   A part of me rejoiced in knowing that from the spheres of influence seated at that table, something grand was happening.  Something grand IS happening. At last the power of empathy, compassion and love are, indeed, rising up to a new level of awareness across all sub-groups of our world, including the world of men; and Bill Drayton is leading that crusade.

I’ve often felt like a bull in a china shop trying to force empathy, love and compassion on the power-elite…and have known all along that forcing these concepts on anyone will never work. Yesterday I saw and FELT the power of empathy at work in the room and know that as long as we all hang onto IT…as long as we unabashedly claim it as our own and as a driving force behind the work that we do, we will be living the very thing that will bring about the shift we are looking for.  In theory, (my idealism is talking now) not only will individuals be at peace with themselves and their neighbors, but so too will nations.  As Gandhi said…”Be the change.”

And so, today I honor the men who are willing to talk, live and practice empathy.  You guys may remember this story, but I find myself needing to re-tell, re-mind and re-honor this father…this man who so epitomizes the power of “muscular empathy” a phrase we coined during that meeting.

Saturday morning I arrived at the New Balance Girls on the Run of Charlotte 5k at 7:00 a.m. Tables were being assembled and trucks were maneuvering their way across the grounds with various items…water, fruit, happy hair supplies.

I surveyed the area and gazed toward the playground. I saw two girls playing with their father. The littlest one was swinging and her big sister was climbing on the monkey bars. Dad was standing patiently to the side with two jackets draped over his arm, a stroller by his side.

I walked over to the threesome.

“Hi. I’m Molly. What’s your name?”

Big Sister jumped off the monkey bars and ran right over.

“MIKAYLA,” she shouted. “I’m Mikayla!”

“Yes,” I responded. “I know you! I got a fabulous card from you, Mikayla. You shared with me that you had been at the hospital.  Why were you at the hospital?”

“My little brother is sick. He has leukemia.” She ran over to the swings to join her sister.

I sat in the last remaining swing. “Wow. That’s tough. How long has he been sick with leukemia?”

“He was diagnosed just a few weeks ago,” their Dad shared. “The chemo treatments are making him sick with a fever, so he’s’ back at the hospital. My wife is there with him this morning.”

Jessica, the Program Coordinator for the Girls on the Run of Charlotte council, had told me about this situation. Not only was this family dealing with a severely sick little boy, but they were also battling financial challenges that had left them without a home and living in a motel.

At approximately 9:45, Mikayla crossed the finish line. Her dad and little sister were waiting there for her. The three of them embraced…a deep kind of embrace that symbolized more than just this moment, this day…this memory. It was a pause, a reflection–a call to heaven for hope, miracles and strength.

I’ve yet to find the words to describe what I felt then or what I feel now as I write to you. I only know that I love and honor this father…this man…for waiting patiently, calmly and sweetly with a smile on his face and his arms open wide for his daughter to cross the finish line.

I love him for loving her so much that he found a way to put aside, for this morning at least, the challenges of fathering a very sick little boy and the stresses of a difficult financial situation, to openly share, a smile, a touch, this powerful moment in the lives of his children…and mine.

I was overwhelmed by it then and am overcome with it now…this man’s ability to love that much.

And so…please, I want…no I need…. the hope that each of you possess.  Send me your stories of those men in your life…who have empathetically given, revealed and lived love.  Let’s honor them.  Now, in this space, this time and invite them to the world of Girls on the Run.